i'm so self delusional, thinking that if i can work back there, it means that i'm on my way to recovery. i know now that i'm still far from recovery.

why???? it's been 9 months. i've fucking been smoking for 9 months. k said he never thought i'd be the kind to get so hung up over a guy. neither did i, actually. normally i get bored of them after a couple of months. but he is... different.

it hurt like mad, when he told me that he's seeing a new girl. i mean, not that i'm not seeing anybody myself, but i know that none of them will ever be serious (they're mere distractions). whereas his girl sounded... pretty damn fucking serious. i'm fucking jealous of her. jealous of the fact that he'd treat her the way he treated me. possibly even better

i miss him. bucketloads. that day on the bike when i was given an excuse to hold on to him; i was trying my best to imprint that memory in my mind. i tried to remember his warmth and smell. the way he accelerated confidently down the highway, the way he decided on where to go when i couldn't.

i was the stupidest girl on the planet. but it's too late now. i wish i'd met him a year later. like now.