@ 5:29 PM<3
dear blog,
i miss him. i keep comparing g to him, and you know who always falls short. g isn't doing much to help me because he still doesn't know if he is going to end things with his gf. i should just heed everybody else's advice and get the fuck out of the mess.
i'm still stuck on addicted by kelly clarkson, and although i feel less for him right now, i just can't bring myself to forget how he was as a person. god, i've fucked up so bad. what's worse is that during the few months post break up, i did so many fucked up retarded spastic awful goddamned things.
help.
@ 2:46 AM<3
dear blog,
yesterday was my 20th birthday. wow, it feels so weird to think that i'm 20; i feel so old.
celebrate it with the sluthouse at zouk. i'm sad i didn't get to drink more of the champagne that deacon bought as my birthday present, but i got g to stay for the entire drinking session until we went in. danced for about 5 minutes with s and gave my number to this french guy (whom i also shared a kiss with). i think right now he's freaking out over the fact that i'm only 20 haha.
found out today that s did something quite manly for me last night! haha. and g said he is going to break up with his gf. i don't know what i'm feeling. i love being with him but i don't know if i'm ready for another commitment right now. it's lovely knowing that there's someone who'll always be there for you, but then again i've only known him for so short a period of time that i don't know if he's someone whom i will love whole heartedly. i guess i'll find out along the way.
ah well, xavier gave me one of the best presents. i managed to get sufficiently drunk such that i forgot how i got back the last night hahaha. but this morning i woke up with my contacts out of my eyes, in my own bed, but without my underwear =x i hope i lost them in the toilet!
@ 10:08 PM<3
Dear blog,
I just realised I can blog from my phone! This is pretty cool haha. Anyway I'm just on my way back to hall after cutting my birthday cake and receiving my presents from my family. I haven't been seeing them regularly so it's a bit strange, but oh wells. I'm wondering what kind of person I'm turning out to be.
I love the friends that I have right now. They may not be the ones that c approve of, because he'll nag me to hang out with 'true' friends. But who is he to judge a person's character? I like the people from my block and I do have fun when I'm with them, but they already have their own circle and me, mine. Perhaps c should question himself - if it wasn't for the fact that I kept running off to find him at the start of the school term, I might actually be closer to the rest of the blockmates.
But the past is the past. I like that fact that the people I talk to don't judge me. I like the fact that when I'm with them, I don't feel like the only screwed up person who has thrown away her morals. They are nice and will always be there for me when I fuck up, or get fucked by.
Recently I got very pissed with h. That guy is really an idiot. I thought that I might be able to keep a friendship with him, considering the fact that he is nice when he tries to be. But honestly, I've had it with his bullshit. Hello, a friend is not someone who bums cigs and only expresses concern for the person whom you just bummed a cig from. A friend is someone who makes an effort to see the person, even when sometimes you're tired yourself. The fucking idiot doesn't even understand why I'm angry with him I think. What a loser.
I can't believe deepee is coming up next friday! It still seems so far away; I still remember the very first session of r and k's dance haha.
And omgggg I'm turning 20 in less than 2 hours it's so scary! I don't want to I don't want to I don't want to I'm so olddddddd!!!!!!!! :(
@ 3:10 AM<3
dear blog,
i met j today. she burnt my initial onto her arm. that must be the craziest thing anyone has ever done for me. these few sentences i'll remember from her.
"after you, i don't think i'll be able to love anyone else the same way again."
"he's attached! he's off limits!"
"you've changed so much after me, and more again after your ex."
i don't know if she's right. i still feel the same; i know that deep down inside i'm still the same girl as i was four years ago. i'm still silly as ever, and i still wish for love. i still wish that some day, my prince charming will come in and sweep me off my feet. he'll love me for who i am, and for that i'll change for the better. i don't understand why people have this thing against me quitting smoking for someone else. what's wrong with wanting to change for the better because you've found someone perfect? if c had quit smoking for me when we were together, perhaps i would never have picked up that first stick.
and what makes him off limits just because he's attached? what if he realizes that all he has with his girlfriend is a comfortable friendship love, but with me it's an explosion of emotions? that's what he said, that he "grew on her", but with me it's an overpowering feeling.
i still can't get over the song 'addicted' by kelly clarkson. it seems to be everything that i'm feeling towards my ex, and yet i know it's just because i can't get over the memories. i can't get over the fact that i lost my virginity to him, because i've always thought i'll lose it to the guy i marry eventually. now, i realize that what i miss are just the memories, and not the future. i must thank him for highlighting that.
i can't sleep nowadays without alcohol; it's awful. i fell asleep only at 7am yesterday. imagine that. today i was smarter and bought long island tea. i can feel it now. yayy.
i miss g. i don't know if i miss his as a friend or as a potential, but i definitely see him as one. he's the only person i look forward to meeting now, the only person whose sms makes me smile when his name appears. s was right. i keep finding new guys to fuck and falling in love with them. i'm so screwed up. i wish he never took mine.
