Monday, May 23, 2011
@ 2:10 AM<3
it's no good; i miss him like crazy.
i'm so self delusional, thinking that if i can work back there, it means that i'm on my way to recovery. i know now that i'm still far from recovery.
why???? it's been 9 months. i've fucking been smoking for 9 months. k said he never thought i'd be the kind to get so hung up over a guy. neither did i, actually. normally i get bored of them after a couple of months. but he is... different.
it hurt like mad, when he told me that he's seeing a new girl. i mean, not that i'm not seeing anybody myself, but i know that none of them will ever be serious (they're mere distractions). whereas his girl sounded... pretty damn fucking serious. i'm fucking jealous of her. jealous of the fact that he'd treat her the way he treated me. possibly even better
i miss him. bucketloads. that day on the bike when i was given an excuse to hold on to him; i was trying my best to imprint that memory in my mind. i tried to remember his warmth and smell. the way he accelerated confidently down the highway, the way he decided on where to go when i couldn't.
i was the stupidest girl on the planet. but it's too late now. i wish i'd met him a year later. like now.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
@ 5:27 AM<3
stole away in the night,
crept towards your frame
leaning against the hood
of the car i've come to miss.
a lit butt fell
from your fingers as you turned
with that twinkle and that grin.
drove down the freeway
with you in control
of our whereabouts,
just the way i've come to love.
the window unwound
as you taught me to sing
with my heart to doves.
parked by the pier
blades and bikes askew,
you whispered of adventures
in faraway lands that i've come to know.
a promise made
and you swept me into your world
that i willingly follow.
embraced on the breakwaters
it was at dawn break that i
received the kiss so potent,
under your power i've come to yield.
pink blue collages paled
against the breathlessness
such foolish love between two unlikely souls.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
@ 4:33 AM<3
i miss you.
i miss you so fucking badly it hurts like shit.
and that message, when you told me you've moved on. it's what's stopping me from messaging you (even though i really want to). i miss you so fucking much and you'll never know.
i'm just screwing my life up. i don't think i'll ever find someone else like you. i don't think i ever want to. x says i'm just putting you on a pedestal, that i should forget you. but i can't. i really can't.
i need you so fucking much. i miss everything about you. and everything reminds me of you.
i've never felt so lonely before. ever since that sunday that i wanted to end everything. it hurts as much now as it did then. i can't do this.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
@ 3:48 AM<3
dear blog,
my mum nearly caught me smoking today. whoops. should probably stop smoking at home.
hehe.
cny is a bore. i was missing home a couple of days ago, but a couple of days back home and i'm like OMG already. it's sooooo damn suffocating and UGH.
okay whatever. gna try to get to sleep again.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
@ 5:29 PM<3
dear blog,
i miss him. i keep comparing g to him, and you know who always falls short. g isn't doing much to help me because he still doesn't know if he is going to end things with his gf. i should just heed everybody else's advice and get the fuck out of the mess.
i'm still stuck on addicted by kelly clarkson, and although i feel less for him right now, i just can't bring myself to forget how he was as a person. god, i've fucked up so bad. what's worse is that during the few months post break up, i did so many fucked up retarded spastic awful goddamned things.
help.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
@ 2:46 AM<3
dear blog,
yesterday was my 20th birthday. wow, it feels so weird to think that i'm 20; i feel so old.
celebrate it with the sluthouse at zouk. i'm sad i didn't get to drink more of the champagne that deacon bought as my birthday present, but i got g to stay for the entire drinking session until we went in. danced for about 5 minutes with s and gave my number to this french guy (whom i also shared a kiss with). i think right now he's freaking out over the fact that i'm only 20 haha.
found out today that s did something quite manly for me last night! haha. and g said he is going to break up with his gf. i don't know what i'm feeling. i love being with him but i don't know if i'm ready for another commitment right now. it's lovely knowing that there's someone who'll always be there for you, but then again i've only known him for so short a period of time that i don't know if he's someone whom i will love whole heartedly. i guess i'll find out along the way.
ah well, xavier gave me one of the best presents. i managed to get sufficiently drunk such that i forgot how i got back the last night hahaha. but this morning i woke up with my contacts out of my eyes, in my own bed, but without my underwear =x i hope i lost them in the toilet!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
@ 10:08 PM<3
Dear blog,
I just realised I can blog from my phone! This is pretty cool haha. Anyway I'm just on my way back to hall after cutting my birthday cake and receiving my presents from my family. I haven't been seeing them regularly so it's a bit strange, but oh wells. I'm wondering what kind of person I'm turning out to be.
I love the friends that I have right now. They may not be the ones that c approve of, because he'll nag me to hang out with 'true' friends. But who is he to judge a person's character? I like the people from my block and I do have fun when I'm with them, but they already have their own circle and me, mine. Perhaps c should question himself - if it wasn't for the fact that I kept running off to find him at the start of the school term, I might actually be closer to the rest of the blockmates.
But the past is the past. I like that fact that the people I talk to don't judge me. I like the fact that when I'm with them, I don't feel like the only screwed up person who has thrown away her morals. They are nice and will always be there for me when I fuck up, or get fucked by.
Recently I got very pissed with h. That guy is really an idiot. I thought that I might be able to keep a friendship with him, considering the fact that he is nice when he tries to be. But honestly, I've had it with his bullshit. Hello, a friend is not someone who bums cigs and only expresses concern for the person whom you just bummed a cig from. A friend is someone who makes an effort to see the person, even when sometimes you're tired yourself. The fucking idiot doesn't even understand why I'm angry with him I think. What a loser.
I can't believe deepee is coming up next friday! It still seems so far away; I still remember the very first session of r and k's dance haha.
And omgggg I'm turning 20 in less than 2 hours it's so scary! I don't want to I don't want to I don't want to I'm so olddddddd!!!!!!!! :(
